mediocre musings

I woke up this morning with my mind racing. Thoughts flowing freely. I am loving my time at home but something is laying heavily on my shoulders. A heavy weight pressing down on me. I throw it off but it comes back. Yes, I should be earning money. And I would like to be a productive member of society and I would like to earn money. But I also want to be happy. I want to be happy when I earn money. So I have been giving myself time to think about what I really , really want to do.

This led me to thinking about how people are viewed. I remember when I first met B. His mother prided intelligence above all. So and so's father was a doctor, a lawyer, an Indian chief (a successful bakery shop owner like Betsy's father). To her a person's worth was measured by intelligence and wealth. When someone dies you always hear people say...what a shame. He owned a chain of stores, he had a doctorate in this or that, she had a high-paying job with such and such. They contributed so much to the world. But what about joe schmo. Maybe joe had a factory job and drank two or three beers every evening. But isn't it a shame that joe died too? Is joe's life worth less because he accomplished less? My dad had a factory job, he provided for and loved his family. He would have liked to drink two or three beers every night but my mom wouldn't allow it. But then everyone thought it such a shame when my dad died because he was such a great guy so this analogy isn't really working here. But my point is not everyone can accomplish great things and everyone's life is worthwhile. And this would not be such a wonderful world to live in, I think, if everyone accomplished great things. The world needs people like me and joe to keep it balanced.

I saw a news story recently about a young man who is so intelligent and had such brilliant ideas that his parents let him build a nuclear reactor in the garage. He is foregoing college because what could it teach him? He was teaching quantum physics class for a college when he was fourteen. I'm in awe of these young proteges. Also fearful of them. How is it that a brain like that happens in a chosen few?

So I'm thinking about what I would really like to do. What do successful people have that I don't have? Courage said the Cowardly Lion. But also ambition, drive, dedication, a dream. But maybe I have these things if I had passion. So what am I passionate about? Well, cookie baking. So okay what would it take to make a successful cookie baking business? Well, capital, but let's set that aside for a moment. You would need to advertise and sell your product....not fun, bake cookies every day instead of when you wanted to.....not fun, hire and fire people....not fun. If the business grew and you started to make money then you would have to stop baking yourself to manage the business. Even though your rose cookies are beautiful, the best seller would probably still be chocolate chip so you would have to bake those instead of the beautiful ones. Where is the joy in that? Kind of like Words with Friends where you have this big, wonderful word to play but Qi is the word that will get you the most points.

So I also enjoyed making those paper birdhouses. Maybe I could sell things at a craft fair. I don't think I would make my fortune in this arena, not even a living, probably not even enough to cover the cost of the supplies. Moving on, I love food. Maybe I could work in a restaurant. But then I would have to cook or serve what was on the restaurant menu instead of thinking up delightful menus myself.

I thought that I would like to maybe work in a daycare. Even that requires a two year degree in child care. Does raising a child count I wonder? Or a degree in Accounting with two or those years spent pursuing a degree in Special Education? I feel so inadequate to take of a baby or serve people food. I don't seem to have the experience required. Never mind that a high school kid could perform these duties quite well.

Although I don't have the confidence to outright say it (but here I am saying it) I am somewhat of an expert in Quickbooks, I suppose. I mean, I was sent out to clients to teach them to use it, clients called me to talk them through working with it, people came to me with QB questions. So maybe I'm a bit of an expert. I love to see a clean perfect general ledger with not an entry out of place. So herein, I think, lies what I should do. Because I know how to do this and this is where I could make the most money I guess. Any hobby I have would become joyless if I had to repeat it over and over everyday. People tell me that I'm talented and that I have so many interests, but I am a Jack of all Trades and Master of None. One of the great mediocrities of the world.