While Jay was home over Christmas break, we were sitting in the kitchen when an ad came on TV for depression medication. A voice asked “Do you have thoughts of suicide?” I replied “Who doesn’t?” This received a big laugh in my family. I mean seriously….who has never had thoughts of suicide? I’ve planned mine several times. Living near Niagara Falls I’ve come to the conclusion that jumping off would be my best option. Much better than driving off a bridge, closing my garage door with the car running or taking a bunch of pills. Not much danger of surviving that.
Of course, I would never do it. Too chicken and actually I don’t want to die. I love living.
Once when I worked at Gould in Schaumburg I went downstairs in the elevator with a group of co-workers. When the door opened and we stepped out into the lobby I remarked that the lobby smelled like earwax. Everyone acted so shocked that I would know what earwax smelled like. EWW…that’s so gross. Haven’t they ever poked their finger in their ear and smelled it? Are they so unaware of their body that they truly don’t know what earwax smells like? Or toenail jam?
These must be the people that don’t glance back before they flush the toilet and never have thoughts of suicide.
Ewww….enough gross talk. My next posts will be about happy, lovely things
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Monday, January 9, 2012
1/5/97
A post from 1997
My Ribby is dead. When I look at a picture of him, smiling at me through half closed eyes, I see contentment and love. My kitty loved me completely. I was his whole world. And I loved him. He was my comfort. Ribbons trusted me completely. Even Friday afternoon when I whisked him from the warm dark corner of my armoire to swiftly carry him downstairs to his cat carrier. He entered without protest and drove to the doctor's office in silence. I think he knew what a sick kitty he was even when I did not. I began to suspect when he didn't want to explore the doctors examining room. Instead he curled back up in the carrier. He made himself difficult to remove from the carrier.
Dr. Crafts lifted him out. Dr. Crafts thought Ribbons looked pale and felt a mass in his tummy which was giving Ribbons discomfort when the doctor touched it. Dr. Crafts said something was definitely not right and kept Ribs in the hospital for X-rays and blood work.
This was 2:30 pm Jan 3 1997.
I kissed Ribbons on his soft little head, told him that I loved him and that I would see him later. At that time I suspected I might not see him him later, but saying I would gave me hope that it would come true. About 3:45 Dr. Crafts called me at home. Should I have stayed with Ribbons? Ribbon's X-rays showed a tumor. Dr. Crafts suggested exploratory surgery. I agreed. He said that he would know right away in surgery if it was an isolated tumor that could be removed easily or something more. I went to the grocery store and when I returned at 5:15 there was a message to call Dr. Crafts as soon as possible. I should not have shopped. I should have sat at home and waited for the call that I hoped would not come.
Ribbons had a tumor the size of an egg in his intestines and tumors in both kidneys. He had lymphoma---a devastating cancer. I gave my consent to administer the drug to put my baby to sleep. I never saw him again. I requested a group burial. Should I has requested a private burial since Ribbons was a private kitty? I think it matters little what happens to his sweet stripey yellow furry body. I didn't want to see him dead. I want to remember him alive. I look at his picture and can feel his little arm which he would retract as I ran my finger down it. I know the length of his back, how long it takes to run my hand down the length of it. His tail - how I would pet it to the end, then hold on while he flicked it out of my hand. The sweet way he would put his paws on my thigh with some unspoken request. The softest fur in the world behind his always clean pink see-through ears. His chirp in the morning. "Are you getting up now?"
My Ribby - I have nine years of memories of you. They may fade some over the years but they can never be taken from me completely.
Ribbons...I hope I think of you often. I miss you so now. I hope you enjoyed your life. I know you enriched mine and filled it with your love.
I write today...
Ribbons was a special little cat. Now I have another special little cat, Smudge, who will be celebrating his 15th birthday on February 18th. All cats, of course, are alike in many ways. After all, they are cats. But each is unique and special with their own little personality.
My Ribby is dead. When I look at a picture of him, smiling at me through half closed eyes, I see contentment and love. My kitty loved me completely. I was his whole world. And I loved him. He was my comfort. Ribbons trusted me completely. Even Friday afternoon when I whisked him from the warm dark corner of my armoire to swiftly carry him downstairs to his cat carrier. He entered without protest and drove to the doctor's office in silence. I think he knew what a sick kitty he was even when I did not. I began to suspect when he didn't want to explore the doctors examining room. Instead he curled back up in the carrier. He made himself difficult to remove from the carrier.
Dr. Crafts lifted him out. Dr. Crafts thought Ribbons looked pale and felt a mass in his tummy which was giving Ribbons discomfort when the doctor touched it. Dr. Crafts said something was definitely not right and kept Ribs in the hospital for X-rays and blood work.
This was 2:30 pm Jan 3 1997.
I kissed Ribbons on his soft little head, told him that I loved him and that I would see him later. At that time I suspected I might not see him him later, but saying I would gave me hope that it would come true. About 3:45 Dr. Crafts called me at home. Should I have stayed with Ribbons? Ribbon's X-rays showed a tumor. Dr. Crafts suggested exploratory surgery. I agreed. He said that he would know right away in surgery if it was an isolated tumor that could be removed easily or something more. I went to the grocery store and when I returned at 5:15 there was a message to call Dr. Crafts as soon as possible. I should not have shopped. I should have sat at home and waited for the call that I hoped would not come.
Ribbons had a tumor the size of an egg in his intestines and tumors in both kidneys. He had lymphoma---a devastating cancer. I gave my consent to administer the drug to put my baby to sleep. I never saw him again. I requested a group burial. Should I has requested a private burial since Ribbons was a private kitty? I think it matters little what happens to his sweet stripey yellow furry body. I didn't want to see him dead. I want to remember him alive. I look at his picture and can feel his little arm which he would retract as I ran my finger down it. I know the length of his back, how long it takes to run my hand down the length of it. His tail - how I would pet it to the end, then hold on while he flicked it out of my hand. The sweet way he would put his paws on my thigh with some unspoken request. The softest fur in the world behind his always clean pink see-through ears. His chirp in the morning. "Are you getting up now?"
My Ribby - I have nine years of memories of you. They may fade some over the years but they can never be taken from me completely.
Ribbons...I hope I think of you often. I miss you so now. I hope you enjoyed your life. I know you enriched mine and filled it with your love.
I write today...
Ribbons was a special little cat. Now I have another special little cat, Smudge, who will be celebrating his 15th birthday on February 18th. All cats, of course, are alike in many ways. After all, they are cats. But each is unique and special with their own little personality.
1/10/10
I wrote...
An early morning walk is a blessing for the whole day. Sometimes I feel sad and overwhelmed...pulled in too many directions. I start to feel like an empty shell...like a walnut that when cracked open reveals nut meats that have dried to a papery thinness. I am, however, a person who strongly believes that you make your own happiness. So today I am rehydrating my dehydrated nut meats by doing something that makes me happy....cooking.
I write today....
I am seeing a theme. I like to cook.
An early morning walk is a blessing for the whole day. Sometimes I feel sad and overwhelmed...pulled in too many directions. I start to feel like an empty shell...like a walnut that when cracked open reveals nut meats that have dried to a papery thinness. I am, however, a person who strongly believes that you make your own happiness. So today I am rehydrating my dehydrated nut meats by doing something that makes me happy....cooking.
I write today....
I am seeing a theme. I like to cook.
1/5/2010
1/5/2010 two years ago I wrote in my journal...
1/5/2010 5:30 am
I have been awake laying in bed since 4:25 (should that have been ...I have been lying awake in bed?). I designed a purse and two blouses in my head. Then I took a tour of my great Grandma Morris' house in Middletown remembering the layout of every room and the placement of the furniture. I used to feel guilty about stealing the "Don't Forget Your Mother" paperweight from them but now I'm happy I did it. It is one of the very few things I have to remember her by.
This is followed by drawings of a black suede purse with little black flowers placed randomly and an off white top with lace band and small pink roses and a black knit top cut from knit dress with wide gold organza chiffon satin? with embroidery.
1/5/2010 5:30 am
I have been awake laying in bed since 4:25 (should that have been ...I have been lying awake in bed?). I designed a purse and two blouses in my head. Then I took a tour of my great Grandma Morris' house in Middletown remembering the layout of every room and the placement of the furniture. I used to feel guilty about stealing the "Don't Forget Your Mother" paperweight from them but now I'm happy I did it. It is one of the very few things I have to remember her by.
This is followed by drawings of a black suede purse with little black flowers placed randomly and an off white top with lace band and small pink roses and a black knit top cut from knit dress with wide gold organza chiffon satin? with embroidery.
Friday, December 9, 2011
observations and reflections
Last night was the NCCC Foundation Board Holiday dinner. I usually meet Bill at the college and we drive to the country club together. But there is no easy way to drive from my work to the college. It always takes me over an hour and creeping crawling traffic on Niagara Falls Blvd. So this time I drove straight to the country club and met him there. It was a straight shot up the 190 across Grand Island. It only took me 40 minutes in rush hour traffic. There was a time that I would not have done this. I would not have wanted to drive there alone. I would not have been comfortable walking in alone. I went in alone and procured myself a glass of Cab. Then I spotted B. He got his wine and we stopped to talk to A. A is a tall beautiful woman with coffee-colored skin. We have had several nice conversations in the past and A always gives me a hug when I see her. We were joined by M. M is a young woman, newly married, fairly new to her job. I've had a few conversations with her at other functions. I like her. We talked about Christmas plans. We talked about her job working with grants. She said that B has probably described her to me as someone who doesn't know what she is doing. I told her that No B has described her to me as a very enthusiastic young woman.
I had spotted another woman I wanted to talk with. I had talked at length with this woman last year. I remembered that she was a caregiver. When one older person passes away she finds a new one to care for. I remembered that last year she was wearing black palazzo pants and we had a discussion trying to think of what they were called and could only come up with pajamas style pants and gauchos. I remembered that she was engaged but not married. I spotted her face but could not remember her name. I left my little group to seek her out. In my search I encountered G who is on the board. G and I had gotten to know one another last year at this function. I joined G and the man she was talking to. She said that they were discussing pain killers. I had just heard a story about children and pain killers and how parents are reluctant to give children pain killers when they are in pain because they are afraid that the children will become addicted. I fell easily into this conversation. Then I sought out the care giver lady because we were about to sit down for dinner. I had forgotten her name but it turned out to be Y. Y had gotten married 18 days ago. Y wore a wedding dress for her wedding but her maid of honor wore palazzo pants. Y's lady had passed away and Y was in the interview process for the next person that she will be caring for.
At dinner I talked easily to my table mates. I lightly reprimanded H for sipping his champagne before the big toast and flattered him by saying I couldn't believe that he had graduated from high school in 1989 because he looked so young. The lady next to me was a retired nurse and had been in the reserves. She had interesting stories to tell. Her husband is one of those people who remembers every detail of his life and can easily relate them. He did most of the talking at the table. The other B sat back and looked a little bored like he would be happy when it was all over but he was sociable. My B, I know, would rather have been home but he was very sociable and talkative also. We also had the student member of the board at our table. A tall skinny sweet young girl getting an early start in the politics of being a board member. She was joined by her boyfriend also a college student at a rival college. He was very interested in turning his fork back and forth on the tablecloth and in his cell phone.
Why I'm going on and on with all of this? Because sometimes I am amazed at this person I have become. I'm not saying that I'm a fine person, just a different person. In the past I would have dreaded going to a function like this. I would have clung to B's side. Leaving his side to seek and find someone to talk to would never have occurred to me. If I would have done this, it would have been out of obligation. And I would have stood there wondering what this person thought of me. I would have stood nervous and tongue-tied.
When B and I would come home from such a function as this in the past, we would ask one another....Did I do or say anything embarrassing tonight? If the answer was yes or maybe, it would have consumed me for weeks. Now I don't care. I don't really care if I do or say something stupid. I actually enjoy talking to these people. I like these people. I like people. I'm finding the more you don't care what people think of you, the more they like you. Or maybe don't like you. I don't know. I don't care. You can't be liked by everybody. I can sit back and observe people. I can slip into conversation because I simply don't care anymore. I was told once when my company took a personality test that people's personalities don't change. Only maybe if they have had a life-changing event. I'm not sure I agree with that. I don't think I fit into the category that I was pigeoned-holed into . I think if I took that test today I would get a different result from that of ten years ago. But then I did have a little crisis in my life so maybe that qualifies as a life changing event.
Anyway, enough about me. So let's talk about you. What do you think of me? LOL
I had spotted another woman I wanted to talk with. I had talked at length with this woman last year. I remembered that she was a caregiver. When one older person passes away she finds a new one to care for. I remembered that last year she was wearing black palazzo pants and we had a discussion trying to think of what they were called and could only come up with pajamas style pants and gauchos. I remembered that she was engaged but not married. I spotted her face but could not remember her name. I left my little group to seek her out. In my search I encountered G who is on the board. G and I had gotten to know one another last year at this function. I joined G and the man she was talking to. She said that they were discussing pain killers. I had just heard a story about children and pain killers and how parents are reluctant to give children pain killers when they are in pain because they are afraid that the children will become addicted. I fell easily into this conversation. Then I sought out the care giver lady because we were about to sit down for dinner. I had forgotten her name but it turned out to be Y. Y had gotten married 18 days ago. Y wore a wedding dress for her wedding but her maid of honor wore palazzo pants. Y's lady had passed away and Y was in the interview process for the next person that she will be caring for.
At dinner I talked easily to my table mates. I lightly reprimanded H for sipping his champagne before the big toast and flattered him by saying I couldn't believe that he had graduated from high school in 1989 because he looked so young. The lady next to me was a retired nurse and had been in the reserves. She had interesting stories to tell. Her husband is one of those people who remembers every detail of his life and can easily relate them. He did most of the talking at the table. The other B sat back and looked a little bored like he would be happy when it was all over but he was sociable. My B, I know, would rather have been home but he was very sociable and talkative also. We also had the student member of the board at our table. A tall skinny sweet young girl getting an early start in the politics of being a board member. She was joined by her boyfriend also a college student at a rival college. He was very interested in turning his fork back and forth on the tablecloth and in his cell phone.
Why I'm going on and on with all of this? Because sometimes I am amazed at this person I have become. I'm not saying that I'm a fine person, just a different person. In the past I would have dreaded going to a function like this. I would have clung to B's side. Leaving his side to seek and find someone to talk to would never have occurred to me. If I would have done this, it would have been out of obligation. And I would have stood there wondering what this person thought of me. I would have stood nervous and tongue-tied.
When B and I would come home from such a function as this in the past, we would ask one another....Did I do or say anything embarrassing tonight? If the answer was yes or maybe, it would have consumed me for weeks. Now I don't care. I don't really care if I do or say something stupid. I actually enjoy talking to these people. I like these people. I like people. I'm finding the more you don't care what people think of you, the more they like you. Or maybe don't like you. I don't know. I don't care. You can't be liked by everybody. I can sit back and observe people. I can slip into conversation because I simply don't care anymore. I was told once when my company took a personality test that people's personalities don't change. Only maybe if they have had a life-changing event. I'm not sure I agree with that. I don't think I fit into the category that I was pigeoned-holed into . I think if I took that test today I would get a different result from that of ten years ago. But then I did have a little crisis in my life so maybe that qualifies as a life changing event.
Anyway, enough about me. So let's talk about you. What do you think of me? LOL
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
my mistake
I needn't have stayed up late putting this together last night. The meeting is next week. There are so many things to attend that I got mixed up. Tonight is just a committee meeting but I'm not going. Today is Toastmasters. Tomorrow is our holiday potluck and gift exchange at work. Tomorrow night is the NCCC board meeting and holiday dinner at Nia Falls Country Club. Friday is a happy hour after work. Saturday night is my neighbor's annual Christmas party. Sunday night is The Adams Family at Shea's. Next Thursday is the dinner I thought was tonight. And then there are always exercise nights. I need a month to hibernate.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
visions of sugar plums
Tomorrow is the ASWA annual Christmas Fundraiser. I'm excited about it this year. It's being held at the Millennium Hotel by Walden Galleria Mall in the atrium. There is going to be an hour long open bar and hot hors d'ouvres. The menu choices all sounded so good that I had a hard time choosing. I wanted to try them all. Prime Rib with Yorkshire Pudding, Chicken Stuffed with Lobster, or Shrimp and Scallop Scampi. I finally decided on the chicken. The soup is French Onion with Sherry. The dessert is Chocolate Tuxedo Cake.
This year I put together a candy basket for my donation. I'm calling it Visions of Sugar Plums Basket. Smudge is doing the Vanna White thing here.
This is the back of the basket. It features Harry and David's Moose Munch, a chocolate orange, Ghiardhelli Chocolates, Turtles and Marzipan Fruits among lots of other things.
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