kitchens?

We were gathered around the Thanksgiving table. My husband asks me....So, would you like to go look at kitchens tomorrow? I swallowed a lump of turkey. "Kitchens?", I echoed in a soft,flat,dazed voice. My son said "You are supposed to say yes". We continued eating. No more mention of kitchens.
Today (two days later) my son said " You didn't go look at kitchens yesterday". "No" I said. "Maybe you should go look tomorrow" he said. Maybe.
I have traveled this ground numerous times in the past 24 years. It was always unstable and crumbled beneath my feet. I learned to stay on the sidewalk.
I have lit this candle many times only to have it snuffed out. But now someone else lit it and I am drawn as a moth to the flame. I unrolled my feelers. I tested the air. Maybe this time, this time there is enough oxygen to sustain the flame.

embarrassment

Yesterday I looked out the window into the backyard. Something orange that didn't belong was laying in the yard. I went out and picked it up. A tiny plastic clay-colored pot with a few gnaw marks on it. Where could it have come from? Kids next door tossing it over? It would have had to have been a hard toss. It was in the middle of the yard.I picked it up and placed it on the back stoop and forgot about it. Today when I pulled into the driveway after a long.......okay a short day at work....I saw a squirrel. Sitting on the stoop totally engrossed in something. He was holding the pot. And gnawing on it. He hesitated. Gave me an embarrassed look. Set the pot down and ran away. I cant get that look out of my head. Pure embarrassment. Mixed with a little annoyance. I left the pot there for his gnawing pleasure.

the new marilyn

Today I stepped outside of my office at the health club and a member approached me and asked me if I was the new Marilyn. I responded that I was. I said that I had replaced Marilyn and that my name was Ramona. He said "You sure are a lot thinner than Marilyn". I said "I won't tell her that you said that".

everything just falls apart
string bags full of oranges and places in the heart
calamaties evaporate and memories depart
people laugh at anything and things just fall apart

a a a

anticipation

abandonment

abduction

We had a momma duck chose a spot to feather her nest beside our garage next to the hydragea bush. She sat on the eggs for two weeks. Yesterday when I went out in the morning to go to work, I saw her in the backyard. She was preening and shaking out her feathers as she walked away. It looked exactly as if she was saying "Enough of of this. I'm moving on." Sure enough when I got home from work, her nest sat uncovered with two lone eggs in it. I waited to see what would happen. When I went out this morning, the eggs were gone. Some raccoon had a treat last night.

flawed

It's been awhile since I had Coffee with Julia. I got a job and we had to stop our Wednesday morning meetings at Panera. But I see her at Wegman's cooking and handing out samples in the meat department. She has also been promoted to assistant chef for the cooking classes. We got together today at 2 pm and talked for two hours at Panera. Coffee with Julia turned into Iced Tea With Julia. We had a lot to talk about for two hours. We decided to meet on my patio in two weeks for Sangria With Julia.

When we parted today she told me that she had missed me. She said that it is so nice to spend time with someone who is not perfect. I take that as a compliment. I've never enjoyed perfection either. Things and people are so much more interesting when they are a little flawed.

memorial day

Today is Memorial Day...a holiday. I do recognize it as a day to honor those whose gave their lives so I can live the life I live today. And I am grateful to them for doing so. I try to think if I could do the same. I don't think so. I honor and thank them. But today mostly is just another day to me. B and I never do anything like other people do to celebrate a holiday. No family or friends gather on our patio. We don't load up the camper or go to our cottage on the beach or in the mountains for a nice relaxing weekend. We don't own a camper or a cottage. We just continue on as normal. Friday the drapery rods that we ordered arrived. B is installing them today. I am ironing shirts and cleaning my bedroom while watching old movies that I've seen before. I am going to roast a chicken later. I awoke feeling nervous today and poured myself a glass of champagne at noon. Then another and another. Tomorrow the fitness club where I work is open til 2. So I'm going in for a few hours so I don't get behind in my work. It's not even sunny today to lift my spirits. As I write I see the sun peeking out though.

My most prominent memories of Memorial Day are from when I was young. Every holiday seemed like a special day set apart from the others. Sometimes the McWilliams family would come to visit Grandma Morris and Aunt Jerry. I'd play with Cindy and maybe Donna and lust after Keith. Debbie was young and got in the way. Larry...I think he was older and seldom came. We rode our bikes. I focused on their Chicago accent. The way they always wanted to go with. What do they mean....go with? Go with you? They still had a week or so of school to endure. I felt smug because I was out of school already. My mom would set up the grill and we would have burgers in the back yard on our picnic table. My dad would sit in a lawn chair in the backyard and look up when I yelled at him to Look at Me Look at Me hanging from my knees from the top bar of the swingset. I would put on my bathing suit and run through the sprinkler. We would make a trip out to the cemetery to place fake flowers on my grandparents graves. I would run around and sit on the tombstones and visit the unknown soldier statue. Marvel at the cedar tree. That's what I remember.